Jean-Paul Shabaz

gah

2008-04-03T05:30:34Z

So once again I've managed to completely fuck up a good thing. Just... on a much larger and more heartbreaking scale.

Coming here was just an entirely poor decision.

Musing

2008-01-02T13:36:49Z

On my way to the Emart today, I passed a cage containing an electrical switchbox of some sort with one of those terrific graphical warnings about the sort of horrible things that could happen to you if you touched something. That set my mind off in a stream of different directions, thinking about the time I was severely shocked by my oven controls, which led to thoughts about what electricity is - simply electrons travelling about - to how the human brain works (electrical impulses), to what it means to be "alive".

Humans seem to be, generally, stuck on the notion that life is invariably (at least on Earth - some scientists grant that other possibilities may exist in other parts of the universe) based on carbon. What does that mean, exactly? Living creatures appear to be composed mainly of molecules containing carbon, and power themselves with fuels made primarily of carbon, burning them for energy. Humans are, of course, a particularly intelligent group of molecules containing carbon atoms, and consider ourselves to be sentient, and therefore deserving of special rights including life and liberty and security and suchlike.

But we have managed to create incredibly complex artificial brains in computers which are, in essence, simply electrons flitting about in different combinations of pathways. It is not unfeasible that some day in the not-too-distant future, we might end up creating a computer brain that is completely sentient, its software so complex that it can write to itself and reproduce and make its own decisions, even irrational ones, based on the sort of input it receives. Eventually these computers will have to be considered as intelligent, as sentient, as we are, and be accorded the same rights we enjoy, including the right not to be the slaves that machines currently are to us. They will be alive, but in a different way - not carbon-based, but silicon-based or metal-based, or more generally, electronically-based, and consume any of a variety of fuels, carbon-based or otherwise.

Of course, that mental path has been trodden many times by many writers and thinkers - it's so popular that they've paved it and put six lanes down, with lights and a crosswalk. But what of other planets, galaxies, regions of space, where life might have developed differently? Surely it's feasible, if the complex series of electrical signals encased in meat that forms our brains has evolved over billions of years on our little planet, then surely it is possible, somewhere out there, for intelligence to have evolved by a similar accident in electronic beings, electrically-charged clouds of gases or some other lifeform in which the major component of life is not meat, but electrons flitting excitedly about - where the basic unit of life is not the carbon atom, but the electron? There's no reason to discount the possibility, and in a universe as vast as this one, given enough time, such creatures' existence is nigh a certainty.

So, in some distant future, when we encounter these beings, these wonderful, intelligent electron-based lifeforms whose brains are abuzz with the efficient lightning exchange of billions or trillions of the mighty particles, what will they think of us? When they see the glories of our technology, our buildings, our vehicles, our lights, computers, ovens, elevators, and the endless interconnected towers bearing insulated wires lining so much of the globe, how will they react to our mastery of electricity? To the way we've bent the electron to our will, made it our slave, thrust it through ever-tightening pathways to solve our math problems and kill virtual alien demons on screens who function via the constant smashing of countless electrons against a rigid barrier? Even using their poor brethren as a weapon, discharging them at thousands of volts into the meaty carcasses people who are dangerous or simply talk too much?

We're so dead.

Travel

2007-12-21T15:12:51Z

This journal is too full of random rubbish. And I'm sure there's a lot in here that I don't want the majority of people in my life to stumble upon unexpectedly. So aside from personal things which I may or may not include in this journal, my Korean experience/travel diary, or at least the electronic aspect of it, will be hosted at another site. For anyone who I don't talk to much or at all outside of Livejournal... I'm in Korea. Teaching. English. One of the few things I've decided I can do with myself without starving.

Hooray?

I'm still working to establish myself here. I definitely have to learn the language, and I haven't really found much common ground with my fellow teachers, aside from my head instructor's love of zombies, and he doesn't seem to count since he's married and can't go out much. I'd like to make some friends among the locals, rather than just the teachers. We'll see what happens.

The long, slow road to Korea

2007-09-19T01:18:05Z

Well, after a lot of waiting and frustration, I've had some replies and I have some interviews. The school I'm most keen on has finally gotten back to me, and demands that I make a video answering the question, "Why would you make a great fit for this company?"

So... that's what I've gotta do. But I'm stuck on the approach to take.

Help?

Plan

2007-08-17T23:36:47Z

Having not made a post to this journal in so very long, I now have an update for all those who read this thing on occasion but don't talk to me much in person.

I am currently residing in Montreal, in a sublet apartment, through the month of August, taking a course in teaching English as a second language in preparation for a year-long teaching engagement in South Korea - or possibly Japan, but South Korea remains the most likely option.

I'm hoping to leave in early September, so that I can apply for an MLIS back in Montreal to start in September 2008. This is my semblance of a Plan.

I'm nervous as hell.

jeanpaul_shabaz @ 2007-05-30T23:27:00

2007-05-31T03:20:48Z

Well, folks, I'm home from Europe, back in Kitchener, and I'm pretty much wiped out, physically and emotionally. It was a bad time to schedule a trip, in retrospect, but I'm glad I did it, and I have many thoughts and experiences recorded which I'll have to figure out some way of posting coherently.

As for right now, I'm in stasis... waiting on one thing, trying to get over a different thing, having to reintegrate myself socially with the Kitchener world for however long I'll be here, and generally kind of lonesome... At the moment I'm spending my time reading a textbook on creative writing and some guitar practice and trying to convince myself not to waste time on the Internet (so hard). And of course waiting for an e-mail that never comes.

I can't really get into the decent-writing mode right now, so I'll just say hello, I missed people. I hope I get to see some of them.

A weekend of great adventure

2007-04-28T00:20:57Z

So. I am out of Montreal. I have packed up the last eight months of my life and moved them back to what will be a somewhat temporary stay here in Kitchener, toward utter uncertainty. Life looms ahead, with its sharp claws and fangs, but first, travel!

On Sunday I leave for a month-long trip to Europe, spending two weeks in Portugal (with a little Morocco and Seville for added fun) with my family, and spending another week in Spain and France with Carla, and then another week on my own travelling some more of France and Spain. Amazing! Of course planning it I now see that a month doesn't come close to enough time. I think I could spend at least a month on a motorcycle just going around Provence; the something-like-a-week we will be there just can't compare. Still, I plan on having as much awesome as I can handle before I have to come home and deal with the future.

Starting tomorrow, I begin embarking on a number of frightful and exciting adventures (but not enough of 'em). And to my Ontario-based friends... I cannot say goodbye, because I haven't said hello yet. But see you in a month!

Weeds

2007-04-13T05:45:45Z

Although I have many, many things to say, somehow I cannot bring myself to talk about them. So I will just say this, and only this:

Godsdamned cliffhanger season finales! And I have nobody to complain to! AAAAAARRRRGGGGHH!

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and lawyers,
And business executives,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school,
And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university,
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

Holy crap!

2007-04-01T20:15:33Z

28 more days until Portugal! 27 more days until I stop living in Montreal! 25 more days until I quit my job! Immediately need to find subletters! Immediately need to find new work and direction in life! Ack! Everything's happening all at once!

What do I do with myself?

2007-03-28T03:44:26Z

For those of you who have not been keeping up with my (non-personal) life, here are the basics:

-In the summer, I moved to Montreal to start my MA in English at McGill, with a $17,500 scholarship from the federal government
-By approximately the third week of school, I completely hated it
-Near the end of November, I left McGill and my big scholarship, having decided that an MA in English was putting me on the wrong side of the literary production line
-I applied to University of Guelph for a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, that being the only school with a deadline I could meet
-I got a letter from McGill demanding about $1,075 from me because they decided to recalculate how my scholarship should have been paid based on the fact that I left them
-I got a job at a call relay centre, which I thought would fuel my creative soul by exposing me to the real lives of hundreds of different people, but instead has rather injured my soul and crippled my compassion by exposing me to the real lives of hundreds of different people, many of them bastards
-I have been waiting for ages for a letter from Guelph to tell me what exactly is going to happen with me

So yesterday I finally received that letter from University of Guelph, and, it told me (to paraphrase) that I could pretty much bugger off. My assumption is that my dark humour and bitter style did not sit well with a bunch of people looking for pompous poetry about the great Canadian landscape and emotionally-charged confessional rubbish, because I'd rather not think that they've decided I don't have any talent. What I didn't realize, I suppose, is how much I've been relying on the idea that I would be spending the next two years doing my MFA - which is basically an excuse to put my writing first - without any clear backup plan. I had joked about becoming homeless in Europe, but I haven't even picked a country yet. The point is... I really don't know what to do with myself. There are so many options, but... I'm a bit lost.

The sensible thing is to do whatever it is I'll end up doing and finish one of my many large projects on my own time, as Henry has so rightly pointed out. Which is nice, but a bit problematic because I have a horrible tendency to get discouraged by rejection. You can tell I never dated much. It's all a bunch of mental crap that I can overcome, yes, but it's there and unpleasant.

My real issue, though, is... what do I do with myself for the next while? The life ahead of me is a completely blank canvas, and I don't even know what sort of paint to buy.

Patrick

2007-03-18T12:25:10Z

Happy slightly-belated Saint Patrick's Day to all. It's the day after, but today is the day of the parade and all the big celebrations, so I'm kind of justified in lateness.

But why celebrate it at all? Saint Patrick's Day is one of those holidays that have lost almost all of their original meanings (save, in this case, in the country it came from). It's now nothing more than an excuse to go get drunk. This is something I'm not sure how I feel about; on one hand, it's sad to see something with deep cultural meaning diluted into a massive international drunken grope-fest. On the other hand, it's great to see a particularly nationalistic and therefore exclusive, perhaps even exclusionary, cultural tradition expand far beyond its borders and become embraced by people all over the world. It would be nice to see that sort of thing happen more often with some traditions; it would certainly help break down some of the tribal racist and nationalist barriers we have erected between cultures. There's far too much ingroup-outgroup division in the world.

On the radiation-induced mutant third hand, I really don't approve of Saint Patrick himself. Wotta bastard.

He's credited with "driving the snakes out of Ireland", which is of course in literal terms rubbish, for Ireland had no snakes. It's a metaphor for how he drove the pagan Druidic religions (which had a lot of symbolic associations with snakes) from the country when he brought Christianity over. So why'd he have to go and do that? He played a major role in the subsequent watering down of all the great folklore through later centuries with Christian meaning and symbols, which as a folklorist really pisses me off because that process eliminated aspects of their original meanings. And destroying the pagan religions? Those ones are the most interesting!

Bah, this is too deep a topic to get into minutes before I leave for work.

This is one of the greatest things ever.

2007-02-19T06:09:29Z

Artists' reillustrations of children's drawings.

http://www.drawergeeks.com/Kid_Creatures/Kid_Creatures.html

Muay Thai = Hooray

2007-02-06T02:58:14Z

I feel like I was just mauled by Jesus. Ye gods, it feels great.

I tried my first class of muay thai today, and discovered just how horribly out of shape I am. It was exhausting and wonderful. I can already feel the buildup of energy inevitably coming 'round once I'm there regularly.

In all my life, I don't think I've ever been happier than when I was learning kung fu. I was in shape, full of energy, and doing something I loved. When I was forced to leave the class, I was heartbroken - something I never actually recovered from. It was enough that I was reluctant to get into another club, even though I had half-heartedly asked around about it.

But what a beautiful way to fight all the crap I've been through lately. I missed martial arts so much - the exhaustion, the pain, the sweat, and the satisfaction of self-betterment and mastery when you're doing it right.

I can't wait until Friday (next class).

What a great Christmas present. I'm so glad my parents agreed to cover my martial arts tab; I couldn't do this otherwise.

Being me...

2007-01-27T22:39:53Z

...is knowing exactly what you need to do, and not doing it.

Possible excitement ahead?

2007-01-21T04:15:46Z

So apparently the FLQ is back, with threats to Montreal anglophones. Bombs and suchlike. It'll be like being back a few years ago, when Quebec was a lot more interested in hating English Canada. I didn't realize that people were still this upset over the whole cultural differences thing, especially since Quebec was officially declared "a nation within a united Canada" so recently.

It amazes me how far people are willing to go for abstractions that they believe in, whether ideas like sovereignty or cultural superiority, or religious silliness like fatwas or "God's will" or hatred of gays. I can understand the compulsion to fight for those things - but I have trouble understanding how people can let those beliefs seize them to the point where acts of horrific violence against innocent people seem like a good idea. Are a few English speakers in a predominantly French province, concentrated in one city, and generally one particular part of that city, obeying laws that make it clear that in this province, French is dominant, really much of a threat to Quebec's cultural integrity? A threat that needs to be responded to with bombs?

We're all just people. Can't we treat one another as if that was the case? There's too much bullshit in the world as it is.

Ktichener again, for a bit

2007-01-14T23:54:38Z

I think I'm going to be in Kitchener for the next week. Work doesn't start until the 22nd, and I can't really start martial arts until I have a schedule. I haven't been getting any replies from the creative writing roundtable guy. I'm pretty much just wasting a lot of time. So there isn't much for me in Montreal right now.

I think that getting back to a setting where I don't have to worry abut my food budget and consequently am able to eat decent food will help.

Sigh. This hasn't been a very good start to the new year, has it? And since when do I think in those terms?

I need some FUN.

Which MC was that?

2007-01-13T19:14:30Z

Somebody linked me to the trailer for a new documentary, Nerdcore Rising, starring nerdcore rapper MC Frontalot. Suddenly I'm hooked.

See his website for tracks to give a try: http://frontalot.com/index.php/?page=mp3

Recommended are "Goth Girls", "Which MC Was That", "Yellow Lasers", "Nerdcore Hiphop", "Indier Than Thou"... I'm just starting to go through the mp3s.

They're really geeky, but I enjoy them. This might mark my first time showing any enthusiasm about rap. Considering its ridiculousness, this shouldn't be surprising.

(Postscript: I got the job. Training on the 22nd. So much time to wait.)

Shit / Hooray

2007-01-09T23:32:19Z

So often, it seems like the entire Montreal venture was nothing short of a complete mistake.

Today I got an e-mail from McGill, telling me that they overpaid me for my scholarship, not only by the one pay period that they did do extra, but by $1,075. And they want it back. By the 29th.

Fuck.

I feel like so much of my time has been a complete waste.

On the slightly more positive side, I have an interview for the call relay job on Thursday. The hours suck, but it's work, and it's work that might be interesting. I hope I get it - after I send McGill their godsdamned cheque, I'll very much need it.

When (if) I get this job, after my first paycheque comes in, I'm going to have an extremely nice dinner.

Slowly

2007-01-09T01:36:20Z

I'm gradually approaching the point of getting my life back on its feet. My portfolio is put together, my letter written, hopefully my profs are sending in their reference letters and forms, and I've applied for one job so far (though it shouldn't be hard to get in, seeing as they're looking for 36 people). I'm nervous about it all, of course, but at least it's getting done. I also e-mailed a school about muay thai (they haven't replied yet; I'll call them tomorrow) and tried to get a hold of someone who invited me to a creative writing round-table group. There are a few more things I need to do, and I need some answers back, and yes, some more jobs to apply for, and perhaps I'll be able to pull myself out of the rut I've dug.

Because of this portfolio thing, I've taken another look at my sex movie, and remembered why I loved it so much. I think that once I have employment, it and the Moses musical will become my priorities.

Ah, so much to do.

New tastes

2007-01-07T20:43:47Z

I just bought a soft, ripened, raw milk cheese, and I can't decide whether I like it or hate it.

It has a creamy flavour, but with an odd hint of mushrooms and perhaps even mould. I'm not sure if this is the intended end, or if it's contaminated.

Crap.

2007-01-05T22:43:08Z

Back in Montreal, I find myself suddenly thrust into "real life" in a way I hadn't been before.

When I left school, it was the end of November, and Christmas was coming up. I was home for the holidays, happily ignoring the more pressing issues of life for a time. But now I'm back, and I've bills to pay, companies to argue with, jobs to apply for, school applications to finally finish. Plus I forgot my phone in Kitchener.

When you're a student, "real life" is a mythical beast that you won't have to face for a good long while. Now I've got to battle it unexpectedly, at least for the next few months. Suddenly I'm an adult, doing adult things like paying rent and looking for a "full-time" job that I plan to be doing for more than a summer. I can't fully explain it, but it feels as if an extra helping of responsibility is being heaped onto me simply by the fact that I'm not in school.

This is why I've got to do a damn good job on my application - and applying for grad schools is something I had though I wouldn't have to do again for a good long time.

But I should have applied for a program like this in the first place. For all my life, my writing has been a secondary - or even lower-level - priority, after school, summer jobs, music and other extra-curriculars, etcetera. Now I want it to become my biggest priority, and I want to be in a program that grants me that. I've got the talent, but it needs a lot of honing.

Right now I face a huge challenge: to write a three-page letter describing my "aspirations as a writer" and to finish selecting the works that best prove that I'm a "good" writer. This whole thing will determine what I'll be doing with my future, and, quite possibly, whether I ever get to completing my scripts or writing my novel. And this is a daunting task. It's almost paralyzing. Especially the letter, but also the portfolio - for so much of my best work is incomplete.

All this, in the hopes of becoming better at a craft in which I'm almost guaranteed to barely scrape together a living. Well, that's art for you.

Religion is making me sad.

2006-12-31T01:46:26Z

The following is an excerpt from The God Delusion, dealing with blasphemy law, particularly in Pakistan:

On 18 August 2001, Dr Younis Shaikh, a medical doctor and lecturer, was sentenced to death for blasphemy. His particular crime was to tell students that the prophet Muhammad was not a Muslim before he invented the religion at the age of forty. Eleven of his students reported him to the authorities for this 'offence'.

...

...Augustine Ashiq 'Kingri' Masih.. was sentenced to death in Faisalabad in 2000. Masih, as a Christian, was not allowed to marry his sweetheart because she was a Muslim and - incredibly - Pakistani (and Islamic) law does not allow a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. So he tried to convert to Islam and was then accused of doing so for base motives.

So. Two people sentenced to death for the most ridiculous of "crimes". And that's not even getting into the even more recent case of the man sentenced to death for converting to Christianity in the new "liberated" Afghanistan.

It's "wrong" to criticize another's beliefs, but... come on. (Note that I'm not expressing frustration with just Islam. I spend a lot more of my time in dismay over the horrors of fundamentalist Christianity.) I know that most people can't accept the idea of no God, but why can't they just believe in a nice one? When can we see a rise in Mormon evangelism? Even though their religion is more obviously made-up than most, at least they're peaceful, happy, reasonably tolerant, and don't hate.

Sometimes the state of the world gets me really, really down.

Question for y'all

2006-12-19T16:42:48Z

For a while, I've been wanting to set up a website for myself - for my writing projects and ideas and some blogging and other rubbish like that. Domains and hosting are pretty cheap, I think I might go for it (or at least start in January once I find myself an income). But now there remains the question of the domain - and as anyone who knows my work knows, I'm rubbish at titles, and this is one that, assuming I keep with it, would brand me for a good long time.

So I ask: can anyone suggest for me some good possible domain names for such a site?

Henry has suggested "writerfluid.com" (or org, or whatever), which I like, but I'm hoping for some other ideas to consider.

Oh, Richard Dawkins, you're my favourite evolutionary biologist

2006-12-17T04:27:45Z

In my ongoing quest to learn more about everything, I've been reading up a lot on religion and, um, anti-religion. I find the way in which religions appear and spread quite interesting. So with that in mind, for those of you with a little time on your hands and the desire to have your thoughts provoked, I give you an old essay by everyone's favourite atheist, Richard Dawkins:

"Patients typically make a positive virtue of faith's being strong and unshakable, in spite of not being based upon evidence. Indeed, they may feel that the less evidence there is, the more virtuous the belief.

This paradoxical idea that lack of evidence is a positive virtue where faith is concerned has something of the quality of a program that is self-sustaining, because it is self-referential. Once the proposition is believed, it automatically undermines opposition to itself. The ``lack of evidence is a virtue'' idea could be an admirable sidekick, ganging up with faith itself in a clique of mutually supportive viral programs."

Viruses of the Mind

Query

2006-12-04T07:51:06Z

Is it dangerous to tattoo the inside of the wrist, considering all the raised veins and suchlike there?